New Year - looking ahead....yet at the same time reflecting on the past year gone by....

Was feeling rather forlorn...thinking abt spending the last day of 2008 alone at home.....yet, on the other hand....am probably more contented doing this than squeezing in between the new year's eve crowd out partying on the streets!!!

Must say that 2008 has been an eventful year...full of ups and downs...been like a rollercoaster ride.....yet all in all, I know God is in charge of my life....it has to be - coz most days I dun feel in control of my own life!

Reflecting on this song - one of my favourite Christian song for the year....

God of my days - Zach Neese (Gateway worship)
You awaken my heart from slumbering
Meet me in mourning and You speak to my grief
You're the light in my darkness, the delight of my eyes
The hope of the daybreak when the sun's slow to rise

I trust that every moment's in Your hand

Chorus:
God of my days
King of my nights
Lord of my laughter
Sovereign in sorrow
You're the Prince of my praise, the Love of my life
You never leave me,
You are faithful
God of my days


You unveil my eyes, help me to see
The arms of the Father encircling me
You're a constant companion , I'm never alone
Your love is the banner that's leading me home

My eyes are on You
my hope is in You
my faith is in You

Chorus...

How true.....those words sums up my 2008 experience....and yet in it all, I can only attest to His faithfulness....although most of the time it felt hard......

And then, in my quiet time today...the words from 2 Thessalonians 3 stood out.....

' But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one....May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.'


What a promise for 2009!! Indeed, I know He will remain faithful to me......

Lord, I pray that You will continue to guide me in 2009 and show me the way that I should walk in. Most days, it just seems a blur, so purposeless, so meaningless......I need Your guidance.... Your wisdom and direction .....tell me where I should go and what I should do....help me to be sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit....help me to reach out to those around me.....teach me what it means to be a channel of Your love to them....Use me, mould me...guide me......I pray all these in Your name . Amen!

The true meaning of Christmas

People have been asking me what Christmas plans I have this year....many sounded shocked that I am spending it alone....including my own mum.....yet somehow, I prefer it this way...the solitude to ponder on the true meaning of Christmas.....and to rest rather than be busy with festivities that dun carry any meaning at all - all the feasting...celebration.....even the religiousity of it all..... somehow feel that ppl have forgotten what Christmas is truly all about....

went to church this morning and the sermon was really apt - when you've got the Son, you've got it all....truly, with Jesus, we have everything.....

really liked this poem...

One Solitary Life
By Rev. James Allan Francis


He was born in an obscure village,
a child of a peasant woman.
He grew up in another obscure village
where he worked in a carpenter shop
until he was thirty.
Then for three year
he was an itinerant preacher.
He never had a family.
Or owned a home.
He never set foot inside a big city.
He never traveled two hundred miles
from the place he was born.
He never wrote a book
or held an office.
He did none of the things
that usually accompany greatness.
While he was still a young man,
the tide of popular opinion
turned against him.
His friends deserted him.
He was turned over to his enemies.
He went through the mockery of a trial.
He was nailed to a cross
between two thieves.
While he was dying
his executioners gambled
for the only piece of property he had,
his coat.
When he was dead,
he was taken down
and laid in a borrowed grave.
Nineteen centuries have come and gone
and today he is still the central figure
for much of the human race.
All the armies that ever marched,
All the navies that ever sailed
And all the parliaments that ever sat
And all the kings that ever reigned
Put together
have not affect the life of man
Upon this earth
As powerfully as this
One Solitary Life.


and then the service closed with this song....a long forgotten favourite...

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
And everything was done, so you would come

Nothing you can do can make Him love you more
Nothing that you've done can make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
And everything was done
So you would come

Chorus:
Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, Broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
And everything was done so you would come


How profound!!

Roller coaster ride....

Whoa....it's been a crazy week both physically...and emotionally.....

Had to attend 2 weddings in JB over the weekend.....and my, did it take all my effort and strength....granted....I had the good fortune to be off on the long weekend.....but still....took lots of work and perseverance to get on the road and cross the causeway which was full of holidayers!!!

To top it off....was having a depressive phase at work...... just felt like quitting all the time....felt as though my work was mundane...that I was not helping anyone...that maybe I chose the wrong profession??!!?? felt that I was stuck in a hopeless situation....with people who just suck the life out of me......felt so stuck in this rut......kept asking God whether this was what He wanted me to do....coz it felt so pointless most of the time.......wondered what happend to all my aspirations to help save the world?!? hahaha....guess that those were just wishful dreams.......felt that maybe i misunderstood God and His intentions for me.....maybe I was just running in my own steam....... mebbe the 'dreams and plans' I thought God has for me in Uni was just an 'illusion'?!?

I dunno....felt discouraged..... felt disillusioned......felt hopeless....

granted...i've had these phases before...but nothing as bad as this.......
most nights were just filled with tears as I contemplated in exhaustion where my dreary life was headed to.....

din help that I felt all alone.....with no support from family or friends......worst, those Christian friends who were suppose to be my pillar of support just vanished into thin air....even my cell group was nowhere to be seen or heard......guess that's the kind of community we live in right now?!?

Had a few chats with different people....but the end result was equally dismay.....man, it's hard to find anyone who inspires any hope in me anymore!!! Geez.....

I know , i know.....one will say that this is the enemy at work...and I agree......but it's tough battling and fighting off the enemy ALONE.....coz that's what it feels like... a losing battle.....despite all the knowledge of His promises and His word.....it just felt so distant and irrelevant to me at that point......although of course when we look back, we can laugh and say how silly we were....but at that point in time, it just felt miserable......

Still...the words of this song kept playing in my mind...

' Once again I look upon the cross where You died,
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside,
Once again I thank You,
Once again i pour out my life '

' Thank You for the cross,
Thank You for the cross,
Thank You for the cross,
Thank you for the cross, my Friend'

This is the only thing that is keeping me sane......

Gotta keep the faith....Gotta keep the faith.........

I know He cares.....even for the lil' things in life...

Been going through a crisis.......not really a crisis of faith....but a crisis nevertheless......been going through weeks of weekend loneliness....esp when it's my off day...weird huh? used to love my weekends off.....but now, somehow felt that filling up my weekend with work seemed better than moping around at home....alone.....
It's been tiring trying to wrestle with this issue of loneliness.....and many a times i ask God ' Why me?'......realised that that is just such a stupid question to ask.......
I know in my mind that He cares for me...but in my heart, that knowledge did not seem to translate to faith...nor hope...nor peace.....
However, was just reminded in church today by the sermon - what faith truly is.....what 'matured' faith looks like...and I know that this is a season of moulding and sharpening my character .... to make me more like Christ......scary thought - but the pastor did mention that some have to endure suffering/ trial/ challenges for weeks, maybe months, even years!! sheesh!!
And then, there's this whole issue of singlehood all over again.....learning how to surrender it completely to Him.....and learning what it means to have faith that He cares about these lil' things in my life......
I know ...i know...i know all the verses ...but I get tired of all these lame and useless advice given by well meaning friends and family....like what I heard in the sermon today....these ppl dishing out these advice sounded like Job's friend.......well meaning but who totally have no idea of reality and the truth.....dun need these people in my life.......just need someone to be there to give me a hug...and cry with me.....and hold my hand......
And just when I thought that all was lost....JG and HJ sends messages/ email to ask how i've been..... do they really care or issit just another show of false Christianity all over again? I dunno.......sometimes i wonder why do I even care any more? are they for real?!?
Despite all my murmuring and grumbling and fault finding ( yes Lord, I know that these are sins, Forgive me!!) ....I know deep down inside that He care....and He knows what I am going through..... and truly apart from Him, I have NO good thing! and for now...that is enough to keep me going......

Updates.....updates...

whoa!! its been quite a long while since I updated my entries here...no thanks to my lousy laptop which is now majorly malfunctioning and unable to connect to the Net......have to resort to using my brother's comp instead!!! arggh....

On top of that...doing a whole month at the ICU was just about killing me!! calls were once every 4th day....and the colleagues whom I had to work with was just about the last straw....can only say that it is by God's grace that I survived the month! Though I must say that I was kinda sad to leave at the end....will really miss the patients and nurses there!!!

Now....as I was mentioning to my fellow colleague.....ICU was just 'organized chaos'.....well, CCU now is just 'chaos'!! sigh..... guess it doesn't get better than this right?!? am still trying to recover from my horrendous call on Monday....but anyway.........

God is still in control ..and for that I am nothing but grateful.....thankful for this hope that I have!

Chill out at Margaritas and Ben & Jerry's at Dempsey!

Hehehe....always nice to chill out after exams with friends....Had a lovely dinner at Dempsey (Margarita's) on Sunday with 2 good friends - Ms. LL and Ms WYM .....thanks gal for taking time out to have dinner with me!!



The arty-farty lamp outside near our table!!!




My yummy red fish veracuza (or something like that sounding) dish!




This was Ms. LL's nice cornflake fish dish...quite nice too!!!


Then, it was off to Ben & Jerry's!! Was looking forward to hear some live music there...unfortunately the singer wasn't performing that night! Sigh! But was did discover that this was probably one of the only B & J with a bar!! So was had delicious cocktails with ice cream!!! Not fantastic, but the music and atmosphere was great!!



Cute lamp with ballet shoes at the base...





Suggestive but very retro/arty painting at the corner we were sitting.....


hmm.....realised that I should chill out more often like this!!

LIFE.....

Received this email from a dear friend......Food for thought.....


Subject: Speech on life
The author of The Teenage Textbook (1988) - Adrian Tan, was the
guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his
speech to the graduating class of 2008.

Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School
of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your
convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to
speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or
retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She
is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has
honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by
practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling
people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is
because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who
triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when
you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be
married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married.
Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many,
many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end
of education. You're done learning.

You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong
process" and that therefore you will continue studying and taking
masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know
the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is
some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of
learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to
be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your
entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of
you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that
you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean
the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a
bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the
country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra
and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in
those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common:
our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any
of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the
World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and
restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to
an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five
years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they
need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40
years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're
50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their
convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their
life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want
to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working,
falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as
graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your
hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an
awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living
your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing
against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you
don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare
you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled
to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not
balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it.
Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by
moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life
is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as
you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in
your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will
ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or
up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many
wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is
undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from
overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can
also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by
bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing
left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet
people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a
living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their
fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless
and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a
certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was
placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter
nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so
that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest
comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you
enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for
two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have
value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy
it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in
some other type of work that still involved writing fiction - probably a
sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you
will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a
very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and
say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop
yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your
obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling
superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an
obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you
don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To
those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not
asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is
dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great
capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are
to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the
truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating.
There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without
thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the
value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires
great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and
that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be
hated.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet
every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated,
not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so
strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered
and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case
that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's
own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be
accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate
towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your
role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not
offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that
you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one
changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me
to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without
deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a
microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far
easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection
requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard
work - the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning,
attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call
happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in
every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We
celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to
choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by
chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly,
sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly
weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less
important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not
reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to
inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to
loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your
body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It
consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life
expectancy.

Back to the grind....

Sigh.....it's back to the grind again!!! Not looking forward to ward full of elderly patients that nobody wants to see!! Arrggh!!

Anyway...was surprised that I was kinda missing coming back to work.... at least there's company and chatter (although more bitching than anything constructive!).....sheesh....... how is anyone able to glorify God in this kind of 'toxic' environment!!!

Anyhow....am glad the exam is over! But God, I need Your help and grace indeed to pass this once and for all!! HELP me!!!

I can only surrender to the one who holds my future in His hands!

I refuse to succumb!?!

Whoa!!! Feel as though my brain cells were just microwaved....my heart bleeding away and my soul shrivelled up like a fallen leaf.....yeah, think that basically sums out how I feel right now! Just lousy.......

Been staring at the computer screen for hours in preparation for my exam on Tuesday...that said, I dun think I will ever be 'ready enough' for it....there's too much to know....too much details to memorize....too much new and pre-existing facts to stuff in this puny brain of mine! HELPPPP!!!! ( Lord, I need an extra brain - not kidding about it!)....Lord, I really need Your wisdom for this exam......

Then, there's the issue of the heart...... shared with some close friends and of course my sis about this a while ago.......just got wind of my 'good' friend being asked for a couple of dates (does having coffee together count?!?) by a guy from my cell (whom I was maybe slightly interested?!?)......sigh......why does this always happen to me?!? (the last I had this "bawling my eyes out session" was a couple years back in Uni- and he ended up marrying another ' good' friend of mine!!!!) Lord, how cruel are you to me?!? It's not fair!... and I go on ranting at God for days on end in this vein....only to realise that the main problem was me just fantasising and building castles in the air when nothing was actually happening in reality.....see, the stupidity of mankind! (rather womenkind!).....and how we suffer for our foolishness!!!!

To top that off....everyone gives me that same old, same old CRAP of how 'you have not met the right person yet'..... or worst ' just chill, it happens when you aren't looking'.......and to add salt into the wound, it's always advice given my people who are married... or attached...OUCH!!! I know they mean well and would like to offer some words of comfort......but maybe they might be more helpful not saying anything at all...sometimes, all we need is a listening ear....and a hug...?!?

As if things could not get any worst, this guy whom I know for sure will not be my husband keeps calling and wanting to talk......man, doesn't he get it? How come the guy i wished would call me for coffee doesn't and the one i wished would just disappear keeps bugging me?!? Sigh.......don't get me wrong, I dun hate this chap, it's just frustrating to know that i shudder everytime his name registers on the phone (rather than leap in excitement?!?)......and knowing that every conversation I've had with him revolves around him and him alone..... why does he even want to have a conversation ( he should just have a monologue with himself! and complain to himself....)... The weird things in life that I fail to comprehend......

And my soul....well, it feels as though my spirit man has died....yes, i feel rejuvenated after worship in church...but that's the problem....it ends the minute I step out of church.......and the pressures of the world starts to crowd Him out again....doesn't help that I still feel isolated in this cell group of mine (after being in it for 3 years!!!)....feel as though I am heading nowhere spiritually........know that God is birthing a new thing in my heart- but I dun really comprehend , and neither do I get any help from anyone around me either.......feel so lost without a purpose...a goal.... a plan...... mebbe it's time for another season of prayer and fasting for my life direction and purpose......I dunno........will have to ask God about this.......coz only He has the answer.........

Lord, I dunno what's happening....I only know that I feel like I am in the pit right now with no one around......feel so alone.....feel so isolated ..... unloved..... uncared for....Yet, I know You care...and You love me....and You know me and what my heart's desires are....You hold my future in Your hands....and You want the BEST for my life! But in this life - it helps if i could have what Selwyn Hughes calls - ' Friends with skin on' ...or what Ps. Sue Harvey used to say ' we all need love with skin on'.......Lord, I pray that You will bring these people into my life ....and open my eyes to their roles in my life......Lord, I pray that You will show me what Your plans are for me in this new season of my life.......show me Your purpose and plans.......Help me to be open to Your calling in my life....and to be obedient to whatever the task is at hand.......

Thank You Lord! - I refuse to succumb to the lies of the enemy!!!

Food glorious food.....not to mention family is the BEST!!!

Wow!! It's been soo good to be on leave....never realised how essential our Sabbath rest was....and how much our body and soul requires rest from the hustle and bustle in life........
Was able to go back to KL and Ipoh to spend time with family over the Malaysian National Day weekend......

Had a nice dinner at Italiannes at 1 Utama with my mum, dad and Bro......Check this out!!!



Grilled Chicken with spinach cream sauce





Mussels in nice tomato based sauce




Seafood pasta - all time favourite




Garlic chicken pizza!!!


Hehehe......that was rather yummy!!!!

And then, the usual trip to Ipoh...to visit my grandparents and of course....to EAT at the famous hawker stores...although I must say that the standard have dropped over the years......but nevertheless, it still has one of the yummiest hawker fare around!! (dun have photos of those dishes though -too busy eating to take any photos!!)

But do have some photos of my uncle's dogs.....




Joey the poodle




Lady the Golden retriever




Hero the Rottweiler

All in all....a enjoyable trip home!!

It's so good to be home.....

Hehehe.....it's been great not to have to go to work for the last week and a half!!!
Really really praise God for the extra week off work (sh....don't tell anyone!!)....was so glad that the RIE was cancelled and the kind roster monster who gave me that entire week off to study! Yipee!! Thank You Lord!!!!
So, have been studying really really hard to justify that week off work....but also slightly distracted by the Korean Drama series....anyway...have seen the last episodes....so no worries.....at least I know it was a happy ending!! Hehehe....
Been feeling super frustrated recently...realised what the problem was after talking to my ex-roomie (Miss PP)...thanks girl for listening to me rant! hehehehe...basically it's my old problem acting up again....feeling upset and frustrated when the community that I live is so apathetic re: their spiritual walk and relationship with God and man......irks me all the time...but I think somehow it kinda suppressed itself when I came to Sg to work....oh well....it's all coming back again.....same old same old feeling......only that this time, they are all older than me (which makes it even harder coz aren't they the ones who are supposed to guide me in my spiritual growth considering that some of them are almost hitting 40 years old?!? ) sigh.......
Then....there was dinner with my old secondary school friends.....was great catching up...although seriously I think I look at all these guys is dismay at what they have done with their lives - basically NOTHING!!! What a shame! What a waste! They had potential...but they chose to flush it down the drain.....for lack of wisdom or motivation I guess......whether it be their studies/ career/ relationships.....was truly disgusted by their girlfriends....(hahaha...why am I not surprised?!?).......and their lack of drive in their careers...... (well, the only stable one is Mr. E who has successfully remained in the same job for the last 8 years....managed to buy a house.....just lack the girlfriend/ wife to complete the Malaysian dream picture, I guess!!!)...But am proud of him.....was never a great student...and always was pushed around by the other guys...but he has done us proud by being the 1st to start work and sticking with the same job for so long........just wished he would stop smoking !!! (was appalled at how many people smoke in KL!!! Gee!!! Even the gals!).....aiyo......Insurance companies should just not sell insurance to these people who smoke so that they will know how to treasure their lives and their health!!!!
Anyway...must say that this break has been too long overdue......must remember not to make the same mistake again of only taking leave every 6-7 months!!! Man...I must have been crazy!!!!!

Dinner at KHA

Had a lovely Thai dinner with my friends yesterday night....this quaint restaurant is set in the midst of greenery - Hort Park (which is actually a horticulture park in the midst of a concrete jungle!)...... the food was really quite nice....

The ambience was nice....

Napkins tied up with a cinnamon stick....nice!



I chose to start the meal with a mocktail....not bad, but could have been better with some alcohol in it?!?





For starters, we had Tom Yum Goong...not bad although the portions could have been bigger?!? ( sorry..no photos of it...)

Then, we had the Wagyu Beef salad... Yum!!




well...will definitely be back for the red curry soft shell crab....really liked the goey gravy.....think consistency of scrambled eggs!! hehe...unfortunately was soo busy eating this i din take a photo!! Oh well.....

Sabbath rest.....

Have been having a bad week at work....think it was the fatigue and tiredness of working non stop for the last 6- 7 months with no real breaks in between......whoa!!! Could really feel the toll on my soul.......being upset at the slightest things....depressed....unmotivated......etc

So, today's message in church by Ps. Lim was truly timely......and very in tune with what i spoke to with HL last week during coffee post-service.....

Message was taken from Deutronomy 5:12 - 15 and Mark 2: 27 - 28 regarding the Sabbath day as holy...... and how the reason the Sabbath is part of the 10 commandments is so that we will learn to rest in God and restore/ rejuvenate our spirit/ soul and body...... because without input from God, we have no productive output (sounds so 'me'.... sums up all the advice i have given in OCF throughout the years...)

1) Spirit and Structure
- Spirit (represented by water) and Structure (represented by the dam)
- Spirit (ie revival) without structure = wild fire, wasted energy
- Structure without spirit = organizational growth with no inner life
- Spirit WITH structure = POWER!!

2) Spirit and teaching
- Spirit without teaching = poor guidance and wrong teaching
- Teaching without Spirit = no power, head knowldege
- Spirit WITH teaching = Power, solid foundation and move in the gifts of the Spirit

3) Spirit and Busyness
- Busyness without spirit = burnout
- Spirit WITH prioritized life = open doors for opportunities to serve God

4) Spirit and flesh
- lifelong warfare
- overcome the flesh with the Spirit

5) Spirit and relationships
- if the Spirit does not grow, then the challenges of relationships overwhelm
- conflict in relationships can cause the Spirit to shrink
- Spirit and relationship grow = Deep maturity and strength

6) Spirit and spiritual gifts
- Spiritual gifts without the Spirit = PRIDE, manipulation, 'territorial spirit' , immorality
- if we move in the spiritual gifts under the guidance of the Holy Spirit = Power building the body of Christ

Hence, we need to grow in the Spirit to all growth in ALL areas....

WOW!!!

Was truly reminded of my conversation with HL the week prior...how I was lamenting the shape of our cell ... and the church as well....how, the training we've had in serving in OCF has helped us to grow in maturity and understanding of all these things ( amazing fact that pastors are only discovering these truth after so many years in ministry!!!).....and how frustrating it has been for me....and how disappointed I am in our cell/ church.....although I know fully well that there is no perfect church/ cell.......how superficial/ shallow I felt all these relationships were......Sigh!!!!

Was really considering taking a break from cell...to get away from it all....especially after the 'devastating news' frm HL....and 'you know who'......think I just need to go away for a while and surrender everything to God again.....

Was truly glad that jie came down this week.....spending time with her....sharing abt the 'devastating news' and what it means to me....and my previous 'bawled my eyes out' experience.... and my concerns that I will never meet the right guy...the fear of remaining single for the rest of my life....the tiredness I felt in this journey called 'life'.......am glad that she was there to just listen......

Am still trying to make sense of it all.......am really trying very hard......and although some days the tears just won't stop.....I know that He holds my future in His hands.....that He care......that He understands.........

For now, I can only SURRENDER!!

Team lunch! Yay!!

Hehe...had a pleasant surprise when I received a call from my previous colleague saying that our consultant wanted to bring the last month's team out for lunch.....I was like - Really? But...I had lunch already!!.....but, it was great to feel appreciated anyway.....although someone did say that our old boss was quite a scrooge......no matters....its the thought that count!

so guess my amazement when he actually drove us out to Tanglin Club for lunch?!?




hehehe.....really really appreciated it....felt rather awkward, but nice at the same time to know that he is indeed human......despite the fact that table conversations only revolved around work...and Miss L's ramblings?!?

Lunch otherwise was good...and the homebaked apple pie was 'interesting'.......

So yeah...all in all...it was a good day.....I must say!

Festival of Praise 2008!

Wow! Can't believe how everything works in God's ways and in His timing!!
Must must must share this on my blog....

Was supposed to go for FOP on Friday with my friend HL...however, as she was post- call that day....decided to not go instead....but, I really really wanted to attend this event.....apart from being there with Reuben Morgan and Hillsongs and the Parachute Band.....Mark Conner would also be speaking!! It's been AGES since I heard a good Aussie sermon.....3 years now, come to think of it!!! So I decided to list all the people I could invite to go with me.......well, I thought of my lil' ol' brother!! Hahaha....God's timing really....

Felt that the rock feel of the bands combined with Mark Conner as the speaker might interest him and mebbe kickstart something in his heart......and was truly grateful that he decided to come along......nvm the long journey or the lousy dinner we had prior to that....It was great!!



Think bro was blown away by the musicians and their skills....but I on the side was praying super hard that the Holy Spirit would touch him in a way that I can't....... and then came Mark Conner.....message was simple - Growing Old or growing Up....

This really touched a chord with my bro's heart I think...considering it challenged him in ways that he couldn't imagine.....basically it was a call to take responsibility of ourselves...that is how we GROW UP...unfortunately many people never grow up, they just grow old blaming everyone else for their own misery......he illustrated this with a hula hoop - everything that you CAN't control is outside the hoop ( ie the weather, your children, etc)...and everything within your control is inside the hoop (ie only yourself!).......

Areas of control:

a) Our MIND - take hold of every thought and make it captive to Jesus (ie what you think will determine your destiny)....and why is it that we always take the negative and dwell on it? If we saw a bad / lousy movie, we definitely would not watch it again, lest buy the DVD?!? But when something negative happens to us, we replay that scene over and over in surround sound/ high definition...we even pause and scrutinise it over and over again?!? We are such strange creatures!!

b) Our WILL - we can make choices....eg, how when Pharoah was given a choice to decide when to get rid of the frogs- he chose TOMORROW?!? (why spend another day with the frogs?)

c) Our EMOTIONS

And at the end of his sermon, Ps Mark Conner made an altar call... (yes! been waiting for this moment to see what happens!)....and my lil bro raised his hand!!! Praise God!!!

Am not sure what this holds for him....am not even sure what I need to do help him grow secure in his faith...but this I do know....God has his purposes and I will do all I can to help him grow in his relationship with Jesus Christ - my one true friend...my redeemer ...my saviour!!!

Singapore Garden Festival 2008

Had been marking this event in my calendar...was reminiscing the days in Melbourne when I went for their Garden Festival...really really liked it then....and was another excuse to take some pretty nice photos......So, here I was on one of my weekends off....lobbed my camera with me with anticipation......

Here's some snapshots of what I saw there....










The Fantasy Gardens...



F04- Rose of Glendalough




Memories of a Water Village - reminiscing of Jiangnan




F01- Seeking Shangri-La (one of the best exhibits!)



My favourite- IMBIZO yase Afrika exhibit...really nice arrangements with pretty wild flowers!!!




This was one of the more interesting ones - The ModGod Garden which showcases a contemporary homage to 2 'gods' of the modern era - Marilyn Monroe (and Mao on the opposite side)!!!


My favourite shots from this collection of photos I took:


























Orchids, orchids and more orchids....




















All in all....a fruitful trip...although the lighting at the exhibit leaves much to be desired.....and I missed the outdoor segment of the Melbourne one....but all in all it was pretty nice to be there!!!

Check out their website: www.singaporegardenfestival.com

Proverbs 14: 10

Came across one of my favourite verses in Proverbs during my QT today....

" Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy."
- PROVERBS 14: 10


How true!! Was just pondering on the reality and truth of this verse in my life......realised that its truth hit home a couple of years ago whilst I was still studying in Uni...but its amazing how the word of God never fails to strike me with its honesty and simplicity!!!

Indeed, after a very traumatic week last Friday at work, was all ready to give up all over again. Just wanted throw in the towel and quit my job...felt that I stink at what I do......a total disgrace to my profession....however, I guess God never gives up on us even when we give up on ourselves!!

Thank you Lord for understanding and giving me encouragement in my work! Thank you for providing moments when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.....

The Daily Scoop

Had some time off work early today...decided with YL to get some ice-cream from a nearby ice-cream shop...called the ' The Daily Scoop' at Sunset way... check out their website at www.thedailyscoop.com.sg

Had great fun tasting all their flavours - like the new Salted Mr. Brown ( brown sugar plus sea salt ?!?).....

Check out their list of 'novel' flavours!!!





Wasabi Mango - ohlala! the spicyness hits just the right spot

Xtra Stout! - love your Horlicks? then revel in our grown up concoction of malt and Guinness Stout ice cream

Jaffa Choc - our orange marmalade ice cream jazzed up with a generous spread of dark citrus chocolate fudge

Choc 'O' Fruity - apricots, cranberries and dark choc almonds folded into a decadent white choc ice cream

Utterly Avocado - a perfect blend of avocado and gula melaka, it's real sedap!

Minty Mint - perfect on a hot hot day. A minty ice cream with dark choc mint chunks makes this flavour doubly cool!

Chilli Choc - NOT for the fainthearted! Count to 10 and feel the burn, tempered with our dark chocolate ice cream

Cherry Brandy - a boozy blackforest with brandied cherries and a dark chocolate brandy swirl

Lime & Black Pepper - packs a real punch! First with tangy lime then with spicy pepper

Nutty Macadamia - a real classic: macadamia ice cream with lotsa roasted macadamia nuts

Kookie Monster - so chockfull of cookies, we're sure the big blue monster would approve

SoBerry Cheez - there's no better name for this strawberry, raspberry, cranberry cheesecake ice cream

Peach Bum! - need a buddy to chill out with? a tub of our peach yoghurt ice cream fits the bill

Banana Fantasy - chocolate ice cream, caramelized bananas, chocolatey fudge sauce...this flavour is for real.

Sensual Tiramisu - prepare to be enamored... captivated... enchanted... (you get the idea...)

Brandied Figs & Honey - absolute decadence! sweet figs steeped in brandy mixed into a fragrant honey ice cream

Green Tea & Red Beans - a special combination of sweet whole red beans folded into green tea ice cream

Unusually Apple - chunky pieces of soft spiced apple with a hint of cinnamon in vanilla ice cream

Durian-Durian - a must for durian lovers and even if you're not... you might just be converted

Mango Magic - mango ice cream that’s outta-this-world!

Cempedak! - with chunks of cempedak, this is the best way to enjoy the sweet sticky fruit (seasonal availability)

Sunny Strawberry – trust us when we say this is the way real strawberry ice cream should be

Orange Marmalade – tangy orange ice cream with swirled in marmalade

Rum & Raisin - the flavour is in the raisins too cos we don't stinge on the rum

Ginger Crumble - give your tastebuds a treat! sweet ginger ice cream with a sprinkling of crystallized ginger

Kahlua® Krunch - coffee ice cream with a more than generous dash of Kahlua®

Chunky Peanut Butter - this won't stick to the roof of your mouth!

Simply Chocolate - rich & smooth - definitely the perfect indulgence

Hazelnut Haven - a must-have for Nutella© fans. Mmmm…

Lychee Martini® - lychee juice + vodka. Churned, not stirred.

Lemon Sherbet - time to pucker up. Refreshingly light but potentially sour!

Mocha Mania – The appeal is in the coffee, or is it in the chocolate?

Simple Vanilla – for those who like to keep things simple

Honey Vanilla – and when things need a little kick

Surprising Coconut - made from fresh sweet coconut water, this is surprisingly yummy

Bailey's® Choc Chip - a light coffee ice cream with a strong dose of Bailey's® Irish Cream

Butterscotch Pecan - old-fashion butterscotch ice cream sprinkled with freshly toasted pecans

cha – savour the flavour in this earl grey tea sherbet

Chendol - an east-meets-west concoction that's a definite must-try

Hehe....must try!!! ;)

Reflections......

Was struck in the face by my landlady and her husband's comments last Thursday....it so happened I was on my way to cell group when they offered to give me a lift.....thought it was strange, but they were pretty chatty that day.....was rolling my eyes (in my head of course!) when they shared with me about a previous tenant who received Christ (through them of course?!?)..... I was like having all these cynical thoughts in my head.....and of course, I just politely laughed....

Then, they proceeded to make a statement of how grumpy i looked all the time.....and that I hardly smiled/ laughed, except when I am watching TV...... Boy, was I offended!!! I just kept quiet, but was truly seething inside......How dare they said that of me!!! Immediately went into 'defence' mode and started justifying myself in my mind with statements like - I am so tired by the time I come home that I just wanna chill out and just be myself....I'm so tired talking and smiling politely at people ALL day that I just wanna let my guard down at home, is that too much to ask?!? My house is supposed to be my sanctuary...you mean I can't sulk of just be quite/ mopey at my own house???? (Ok...mebbe I'm wrong...this is not my house nor my home....sigh)......

Can't wait to move out into my own sanctuary!!!
Lord, when will You give my my own sanctuary?!?

Anyway...have been reflecting about this...and feel that I may be a Christian...but I am not here to serve others a 'fake' smile......I can be there for them...but I also need my own space to be myself ( the sinful person that I am with tantrums/ tempers, etc)......Also realised how people can be so blind to their own faults when they point out others fault....indeed , this is why it is written in the Word about removing the plank in our own eyes before we remove a speck of dust in others eyes!!! How blind they are to their own shortcomings......so much for being in 'ministry' and wanting to 'bless' others and bring others to Christ when they 'oppress' and shortchange their own maid ( who incidentally also became a Christian here in their home).....Do they even reflect on their own actions instead of pointing out others' faults???

Anyway....Lord, I repent.... I repent for not representing You in Your joy and peace.....Teach me what it means to trust in You and to walk in Your JOY!! Yet at the same time, open the eyes of my landlords to their own shortcomings as well!! May they too learn to reflect on their own actions and repent of their hypocrisy before You!!

Heard this beautiful song by some Indonesian church workers whom my church is supporting in Riau Islands..... remembered this Indonesian website where you can listen to these Indonesian songs online....How beautiful these words are!! (Check it out at : http://kidung. com...


DIA MENGERTI
Pdt. Isaac Arief
Album Hujan Berkat


TERKADANG KITA MERASA
TAK ADA JALAN TERBUKA
TAK ADA LAGI WAKTU
TERLAMBAT SUDAH

TUHAN TAK PERNAH BERDUSTA
DIA S’LALU PEGANG JANJI-NYA
BAGI ORANG PERCAYA
MUJIZAT NYATA

REFF:

DIA MENGERTI, DIA PEDULI
PERSOALAN YANG SEDANG TERJADI
DIA MENGERTI, DIA PEDULI
PERSOALAN YANG KITA ALAMI

NAMUN SATU YANG DIA MINTA
AGAR KITA PERCAYA
SAMPAI MUJIZAT MENJADI NYATA
TUHAN MENGERTI

Indeed, God is my only BESTEST friend...

This has been a very tough weekend...never realised how unhappy I have been in this hospital until yesterday.....guess it all culminated after a horrible 1st ICU call......felt so tired, stupid and useless at the end of the call.....
This was made worst by the nurses attitude to me......and the feeling of depression and the thought that I am such a lousy doc.....maybe I should just quit medicine right now?!? Really felt like walking out of the hospital then and there and just quitting it ........Sigh.....
Then, when a friend called me, I just broke down the following morning....and the sudden realisation that I have been totally miserable since I started working in this hospital 2 months ago........felt so isolated.....so unwanted.....became super anti-social.......sigh......
Anyway....worked up all the strength that I could muster to go to church.....and from the moment I stepped into the sanctuary...with the band playing the song ' All Consuming Fire' in the background....I just couldn't stop myself and wept uncontrollably.......wow! have not shed so much tears since my Uni days....not even the days of my housemanship! Felt a release......felt a sense of ' I am back to where I was with God'.....where I am able to weep freely in front of Him... my BESTEST friend.....one of the pastors came to sit with me....but I guess I was more disappointed that none of my cell members came to pray with me or ask me what happened.....I was much saddened by this fact.......esp the fact that everyone pretended nothing happened and that I was ok........honestly, i din want to go for dinner with them... and when HJ made a comment about calls and what the RT said about the MICU MOs on call.....i just felt a stab in my heart...wanted to shrink away and dig a hole to hide... did he even know what his words meant to me? It just made everything collapse around me...... I really wanted to run away and not suffer a long dinner conversation, which like every conversations we've had - superficial, shallow and fake......
Anyway, by this time I was tired and really upset again....so I just kept quiet and gave my usual polite smile and charity laugh....but truly- is this what we call a Christian community of small groups?!? How miserably we fail!!
Yet, I know in all that God is still in control.....can't think any other way coz He is all I have....my only ONE TRUE FRIEND....who truly knows what I am going through....and the only one who can comfort me and bring peace in my heart......Indeed, there is no one I can trust apart from Him!

Lord, You are my BESTEST friend!!

Lord, I need You!!

Whoa!! The last 2 days in my new department has been a mixture of anxiety and exhilaration!! Was so confused and so ill equipped on the 1st day that I felt so lost.....and unhappy that the senior colleagues there were not very helpful in orientating Melvin and I.....felt that they were rather snobbish and 'high and mighty' kinda people......granted, it is a busy place with all sorts of ill patients that one really does not have time to teach others or guide and hold their hands....

Anyway....I survived the 1st day with no major shouting by my big boss....so I guess that's a good sign , right? Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy and granting me favour with my Boss!! ;)

Today was rather exhilarating...was lamenting the fact that I feel scared to do procedures , esp with my 1st night call looming in 24 hours from now!!! Arrggh!! Help! Had a sinking feeling and butterflies in my stomach........and well, God is always good and many many steps ahead of me preparing the way....brought along a patient to ICU for me to practice....and boost my confidence when I successfully inserted 2 IA lines (1st pass!)....successfully intubated my 1st patient alone.....and assist in the insertion of a CVP!!! ( That covers almost ALL main procedures done here!!)....Thank you Lord!!

But yes, I definitely need His grace, wisdom and protection for my 1st night call in ICU tomorrow!! Thank you Lord for always being with me and remaining many steps ahead of me!! Indeed , my future is in Your hands! For this, I thank you Lord!!

Challenged and inspired by the book - 'Carry The Spice' by Dr. Tan Lai Yong

Had the privilege of attending CMDF's meeting ( ABM actually!!) on Thursday with a dear friend - HL. Was my 1st time there and was a bit anxious as to how the meeting was like...am glad for company.....have been wanting to attend CMDF's event ever since I started working here....however, timing wasn't right...or it was so out of the way that I din know how to make my way there!! Sigh....the flesh is willing, but the spirit is weak.....

Anyway....it was a timely visit for me....have been feeling so disillusioned at work...discouraged at the state of affairs.....feeling somehow God has forgotten about me and the plans He had for me......to be in the midst of spiritual giants in the medical field and who have walked the road before me gave me comfort...hearing their testimonies....hearing an account of an ex-colleague who volunteered at the Healthserve clinic in Geylang stirred something in me.... the desire and passion I once used to have for the lost and poor and marginalized people.....something that had withered over the last few years in the midst of all the difficult work situations, lack of sleep, lack of passionate Christians around me, etc......

The talk by a Christian dentist -turned- pastor was also very timely - Rediscovering humility as Christian medical professsionals........a very good reminder of the pride of life in each of our hearts...when we feel that we a semi/ demi- gods because we hold the lives of our patients in our hands........we travel along a very thinline here....and it is easy to get sucked into this life and what it expects of us as professionals....and it is easy to become critical ... complaining... grumbling.... easily angered......temperamental.......

Lord, forgive me for my sins.....for my pride.... for the times when I lost my anger/ temper at others , not because I was upset with others, but just frustrated at myself...and my situations.....FORGIVE ME LORD!!! Truly, I live and work under Your GRACE and your grace alone!!!

Then, I picked up this book which I have been wanting to read for a while since it was published..... 'Carry The Spice' - which was written by Dr. Tan Lai Yong and documents the stories of singaporean doctors in medical missions and pastoral ministry....Very refreshing.....but more importantly, it was inspiring and encouraged by every word as I realised that most of these spiritual giants had to wait, some more than 10 years from the time of their calling to being sent out into the field......it made the last 3 years seem short in comparison .......it also affirmed what I already knew in my heart - that these are not wasted years/ time....but a very very vital time of training (spiritually , emotionally and professionally) and a season of moulding of my character to be more like Jesus.......Lord, teach me to be patient and to wait on You during this season of moulding!!




Then, at church today...we sang this song...which was very very apt....

OFFER YOU MY LIFE

Verse 1:
All that I have
All that I am
I lay them down before You , O Lord
All my regrets,
All my acclaim,
My joy and my pain
I'm making them Yours
* Chorus

Verse 2:
Things in the past
Things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes
All my plans
My joy and my pain
I'm making them Yours
*Chorus

Chorus:
Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a living sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Bridge:
What can I give,that You have not given?
What do I have that is not already Yours?
All we possess is this life we're living
And that's what we give to You , Lord

How people change......for better or worse?!?

Really thank God for a ' light' ward work for now...... even have time to study for my exams during working hours! ( this has NEVER happened for me before!!) Anyway.......can only thank Him for his grace and provision of time....

However, was sorely disappointed at working with a particular senior at work...let's call that person X ......I have known X since I was in secondary school.... X was a few years my senior and a close friend of my Youth group's president.... used to held X in esteem (X was known to be smart, mebbe a bit of a geek) as X was also known to have a heart of gold and loved kids....X would dress up as a clown at Sunday school to entertain the children!! But what a different X I saw at work!! All X could say was about work, exams and what awards he/she received since coming to work here !! How shallow! How disappointing!

It was really amazing (in a bad way of course!) how working in this country can change you....in a subtle way that one doesn't even realise it.....how one gets caught up in the rat race and paper chase....of how everything we do is just a mean to a particular end...in this case - the work we do, the hours we put in, the exams we take - is all for the sake of promotions and exiting as a registrar ( and mebbe hopefully to enter into the world of private practice!!) .... How sad! How easily we allow the weeds of this world to choke our faith in God!.....

This became more apparent when this particular Youth group president ( the friend of X) started contacting me through FB ..... his ideals of my profession and the nobility of my profession put me in shame.... made it worst by my realisation of what his good friend X has become in this profession after practising in this country .........

Lord, I pray that You will always remind me why I stepped into this profession...help me never to forget why I chose this line of duty in life....help me to see how I can become Your eyes/ hands and feet to the sick/ hurting people out there through what I do in my vocation...... help me never to become so caught up in the rat race that I forsake my faith/ ethics/ belief in You! Help me to pray and challenge those Christians ( or so called Christians ) at work to impact our society and workplace for You!! Teach me what it means to be Your salt and light in this world!!!

Ezekiel 12

Was just going through when 2 verses struck me......

1) Verse 22 : "Son of man, what is this proverb you have in the land of Israel : ' The days go by and every vision comes to nothing?'"
- Somehow felt like what this proverb described for a long while now.....never really knew what was the problem until I talked to a friend at work and realised how disgusted I was at the people at work - the politics, the ethics ( non existence of ethics in these people), etc.......realised when I went home that the indignance I felt was the kind that Jesus had when he overturned those tables in the temple........disgust at people's sinful ways and arrogance towards God and fellow human beings....

2) Verse 23: Say to them, ' This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I am going to put an end to this proverb, and they will no longer quote it in Israel. Say to them, ' The days are near when every vision will be fulfilled."

- How I wish that this was true!! How I long for this to happen!! Yet, one must have faith and trust in the word of God....if not, life is to tough and dreary....

Lord, I need HOPE for each day....JOY to walk through the sufferings of this world ....STRENGTH in every weakness that I see in me ....and PEACE in all the frantic activity around me!

Jealousy.....

Been going through a very good series by Selwyn Hughes during my QT material from EDWJ....the theme for May/ June 2008 being - The burning, cleansing Flame....

How timely and appropriate the words are for me!!
Selwyn Hughes has always been one of my favourite devotional writer!!

Today's material went something like this:

When we looked erlier at the flames of jealousy, we saw that in the last recorded conversation between Jesus and Peter. Peter was caught up in a little lingering jealousy. He had his face John-ward instead of Jesus-ward. " Lord, what about him: he asked of John, the disciple whom Jesus loved. And Jesus replied, 'If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me' (John 21:21- 22)
Jealousy, as we saw, begins with a wrong comparison. We compare ourselves with others around us instead of with Jesus. To compare ourselves with others around us instead of with Jesus. To compare ourselves with Christ is a healthy spiritual exercise, but to compare ourselves with another person is an act that often leads to difficulties. If that person is not as virtuous as we are, we can slip into spiritual pride; if they are more virtuous, we can be tempted to believe that it is only the appearance of virtue and in reality they are just hypocrites. The impulse to comparison must be redirected; it must be focussed on Jesus.

I must admit that I have struggled with this in the past...but more so this week than any other time...especially today....was flipping through an old friend's photos on facebook and felt a wave of jealousy when I saw how happy she was at her wedding.....questions like - How come I dun have such happiness? Why am I not attached/ married, etc? Why does she have such a good life? etc........Then, thoughts just spiralled out of control...... starting thinking of another close friend (who also is in my cell)....and many questions like - How come she passed her exam when I failed, even though we took at the same time?.......which then degenerated to another question like - I wonder is Mr X is interested in her? Maybe they will get together...then what about me? Where does that leave me? Alone again? ......

Far fetched thoughts? mebbe.....but not so hard to imagine..... seem to fall in this hole of comparisons which degenerates to depression....and then a 'pity- party....loads of tears and frustration....sadness.....silent tears...... the fear of being left all alone... or worst, with no one who loves me/ friends, etc......

YET, through it all...I KNOW that He is there for me.....it's just a bit hard to believe in it at times....but I know it in my bones that He will ALWAYS be there...... He's proven that He is faithful in EVERY ( not just some circumstances) circumstances......even if I dun believe in that truth right now, I have no choice....APART FROM HIM, I HAVE NOTHING.....and it is true....apart from Jesus, I have nothing.......

So I have to agree with Selwyn Hughes....that the way Peter overcame his jealousy was to allow the fire of Pentecost burn it out of him..... Lord, let your cleansing fire burn in and through me...burn up all this chaff of jealousy.....that I may walk closer with You each day......

Sex and the City movie review by Camerin Courtney

Sex and the City
Review by Camerin Courtney | posted 05/30/08


Sex and the City


When Sex and the City finished its sixth and final season on HBO in 2004, popular sex-columnist and book author Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) had finally heard Mr. Big (Chris Noth) tell her she's The One. Sex-crazed P.R. guru Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall) had beaten breast cancer and fallen into a monogamous relationship with her hot young boyfriend, Smith (Jason Lewis). Socialite and uber-optimist Charlotte York (Kristin Davis) and her hubby Harry (Evan Handler) were adopting a little girl from China. And snarky workaholic Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon) had moved to Brooklyn with her husband, Steve (David Eigenberg), and their son, Brady. The series finale (and, arguably, the entire series) was a celebration of friendship, self, and romantic love—mostly in that order.

This big screen reunion, which takes place four years later, celebrates much of the same (and more). And, like the TV series, the film offers much that will resonate with singles—and yes, even Christians—who see themselves not just as a demographic in a Barna poll but as sexual beings who wrestle with balancing loneliness and a desire for romantic love with a commitment to purity and platitudes like "true love waits." (And waits. And waits.) More on that in a moment, but first, let's catch up with the main characters.


Charlotte (Kristin Davis), Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), and Samantha (Kim Cattrall)

Carrie, who's recently released her third book, and Big are moving into a Fifth Avenue penthouse that redefines spacious. When Carrie attends the jewelry auction of a jilted socialite, she starts to crave something a bit more concrete with Big before they share an address. Her casual mention of marriage prompts a passionless quasi-proposal. Wedding plans go from intimate to production when Carrie lands the perfect dress. Big starts to squirm, and so do we (especially fans of the TV show, who have ventured down this road too many times before).

Samantha has left NYC (horrors!) for L.A., where Smith is now a big-time actor and her star P.R. client. Their beachfront home is an altar to Smith's stunning success. It also happens to be right next door to a hot Latin surfer, who provides a world of temptation for Sam. She escapes him and her domestic boredom with frequent trips to New York. (One has to wonder if her relocation was to provide less interaction with the other actresses, with whom Cattrall has had a shaky history.)




Charlotte is adding to her domestic bliss with the discovery of her surprise pregnancy. She can only hope the baby will be as well-behaved as her adopted daughter, Lily, who seems more like a cute Asian accessory than an actual, living, sippy-cup-spilling child. Charlotte struggles to enjoy her happiness when her friends are wrestling. As usual, Charlotte offers the weakest plot line—yet we need her joy to balance out the others' angst.


Miranda is struggling as a working mom, wearing the role like an ill-fitting school uniform. She's as angry and biting as ever, with Steve serving as her main whipping boy. When he betrays Miranda, she erupts—and finally moves back to "more civilized" Manhattan with her son. Miranda's story is probably the most relatable to mere non-Prada-sporting mortals—and is also the most well defined and interesting.

New to the mix this time is Louise (Jennifer Hudson), a young woman from St. Louis who recently moved to the Big Apple "to fall in love." Carrie hires her as an assistant to help her get her life, apartment, and website in order—and she also offers some starry-eyed optimism just when Carrie needs it. While Hudson was no doubt added to the cast in response to criticism that SATC was sorely lacking in women of color, it's unfortunate she's cast as aide instead of a friend. Why not let the girl sit at the grown-ups' table instead of being stuck serving them and lustfully eyeing their designer labels?




The overall plot mainly revolves around Carrie and Big (will he or won't he flake out?) and around Miranda (will she or won't she forgive Steve?). Throughout this year-long (and sometimes overlong) slice of life, the women wrestle with issues of forgiveness, identity, temptation, and guilt. Then occasionally the action pauses for a gratuitous fashion show—thanks to a magazine shoot, a closet cleaning, NYC's Fashion Week. It's like stopping for ice cream in the middle of your workday. Fans of the show will eat this up; the husbands and boyfriends they drag along likely not so much. In the midst of all the Gucci and the grappling, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha love, protect, and occasionally attack each other with stunning ferocity.


Michael Patrick King, executive producer and writer of the television series, wrote and directed this film. His story does provide big-screen-worthy events in the lives of the girls—birth, loss, marriage—though all of these occurred in the series as well. The package suffers without Carrie's usual wrestling with and posing of an intriguing question. Those queries often elevated the show from mere fashionable fluff or soft-core porn. Though many viewers were no doubt drawn by the sex or the sisterhood or the shoes, it was Carrie's thought-provoking, vulnerable, and relatable wrestling with life that made the show not just popular, but a pop-culture phenomenon.

And a phenomenon even for many Christians. For years, good churchgoing friends of mine secretly raved about Sex and the City. They told me that I, a 30-something single woman (and a singles columnist to boot), would appreciate the randy little show. I was a late adopter only because I didn't have cable. When the somewhat sanitized version showed up on WGN, I was intrigued. I could've done without the "man-izing"—and definitely without the nudity, when I rented the original version. But it was refreshing to have a single woman's sexuality acknowledged. In stark contrast, the last time anyone in a Christian setting spoke to the fact that I'm a sexual human being was in a college church group, where I was blithely instructed that "true love waits." Well, 15 years later, it's still waiting. And it ain't so blithely simple.

Most of the few Christian voices speaking to the growing single segment of the population offer ten easy steps to find our soulmate. As if it's that wondrously simple. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda, however, show how challenging it really can be for intelligent, accomplished, and admittedly neurotic women to find lasting love. They, unlike many Christians, don't insult my intelligence. Instead they speak to the complexities of relationships in a postmodern age—addressing baby lust, the mommy wars, sexual temptation, dating outside your "class," commitment-phobia, the reluctant desire to be rescued by a man, and the simultaneous fear that you'll lose your own hard-won identity in the process. Yes, materialism and hedonism abound. But so does a messy wrestling with complex new realities of life that I wish I saw more of in Christian circles.


Mr. Big (Chris Noth) and Carrie get cuddly

All of this said, there is a lot of sex and nudity in the movie. Be warned: There's a threesome, a naked man in a shower, some steamy makeup sex. The sex scenes between married folk are somewhat less offensive, but there were too many times when it seemed that the producers were simply trying to shock.

Sex and the City is ambitious for all the characters, emotions, and crises it tries to shoehorn into two and a half hours. But the attempt elevates it above most chick flicks and romantic dramedies of late. SATC offers well-developed characters, smart dialogue, interesting plots and sub-plots, and a ton of heart. Not to mention eye-candy galore in the leading men and odd-yet-fabulous fashions. Still, I personally wasn't satisfied with the way the Carrie-Big plotline played out. And I think the franchise shines best when showcasing the characters' little, daily struggles and neuroses—Why hasn't he called? Is he really just not that into me?—as it did on the TV show than when trying to make bigger statements (both of the relationship and fashion varieties) as it does here.

In the end, I didn't quite heart SATC—but I certainly enjoyed this meaningful reunion with its beloved characters and their winning friendships.

What is life?!?

Sigh....yet another day at work......
Been thinking about what it all means...esp when I have so much time to ponder about the meaning of life......suddenly struck me that I am in a rut....there is nothing that I look forward at work - not the patients i see, nor the 'colleagues' that I work with....nothing means anything anymore...How sad! How horrifying!!Arrgh.....I need a break......
On the other hand, there is also many fear of the unknown...of the unknown future....sometimes there is a light of hope.....at others, just dismay and despair that life will pretty much remains the way it has been.....lonely, meaningless, dreary...full of sadness....sometimes I wonder whether I will ever find happiness? fuilfilment? will I ever?

Found the lyrics of one of my favourite song by a Christian group called 'The Kry'.....

Take my Hand ( lyrics by Jean Lajoie and Yves Lajoie)

I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a childlike heart
Simply put your trust in Me

Chorus:
Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't say why the were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take my Hand and walk

Don't live in the past
Cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
You're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's coming
But you know the One who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unkknown
Take My hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what you hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
So take my hand and walk

Just like a child
Holding daddy's hand
Don't let go of Mine
You know you can't stand
On your own

Repeat Chorus

Little musing's in life despite the busyness and tiredness.....

It's great to be back online....being away for sooo long makes it feel so good to be back!!!

Past 2 weeks has been super busy at work.....well, that's what you get when you work in a busy unit with less than satisfactory bossess (not all, just one or two or them?!?)....and having to bear the responsbilities of other's incompetent choices at work....sigh...all in a day's work, I guess......been so zonked out everyday, not from sheer volume of work nor the speed at which things must happen, but the frustrations that one must endure at work......

Then, there's this whole new world of journal club presentations that I have been initiated into....so much preparations involved...so much journals to read and review and understand!!! Man! What a waste of time! I mean, I love reading - just not this kind of reading!!! Am just so glad that my presentation is over - which means that I am good for another 6 months before the whole cycle repeats itself again!!!

However, in the midst of it all, I realise just how human I am! How much I need friendships and love....how i survive on human connections......was just about spiralling into another bout of depression again when I caught myself hiding away from the world (am kinda still doing it again....).....amazes me how I can thrive on human interactions yet at the same time fear and run away from it.....I need to connect with people (that's the way I was made! and hence the choice of work )....yet on the other hand, the fear of rejection or ridicule forces me to run from intimate relationships/ friendships with others....what an oxymoron?!? am still learning what this means for me.....

Anyway, was glad to spend the last weekend with 2 good friends...watching Prince Caspian and Sex in the City......wasn't a great fan of the latter show but it was rather hilarious , I must say! Well, which girl wouldn't lurve to have a walk in wardrobe of that size!!!!

That aside, seriously...have been truly grateful for time spent with my brother whilst he is studying here......bonding with him...catching a movie (Made of Honour was great!) and just chatting about life in general....managed to ask him about his faith....whether he believed in God....well...his answer was 50/50.....guess that just means more prayer and time needs to be invested into his life so that it will finally be 100%! ;) That'll be my next project of the year.......... we will see......

New discovery.....after a long silence......

Whoa! It's been more than a month since my last entry.. no thanks to the lousy internet connection in Sg!! Sigh...been frustrating to be cut off the world via this necessary evil called the internet (esp Wireless!!) connection......

And yes, it's good to be back...rambling on and on about how sad my life is online!!!

well, despite the silence, life has been pretty busy...always amazes me how I hate change...and yet change seems to be routine in my life....like how every 6 months we have to change rotations......was sorely missing my old department and colleagues ( you guys know who you are!!).....not to mention my new colleagues aren't very friendly nor helpful...i guess they are learning to adapt themselves as well..... oh well....

was pleasantly surprised last week when myself , HJ and YM went for dinner after church ( coz as it was, not many frm cell were there)....and after dinner , we explored this place called HortPark (courtesy of HJ's recommendation!)....was very nice.....

It's basically a Horticulture Park along Alexandra Road......and there's this new bridge/ canopy walk all the way from Kent Ridge Park to Mt Faber - also links up to Harbourfront MRT too.... so i took the opportunity as I was off work on Vesak Day to explore the rest of the walk.....

Some really nice snapshots....




ALEXANDRA BRIDGE


Nice flowers...





Romantic...at night....if u can imagine it?!?


Sunflowers!!




Pretty lilies in a greenhouse



Even more amazing plants!






Buah noni along the walkway




Singapore skyline on the park connector to Mt Faber




The curvy Henderson Wave (bridge)



It's really quite an interesting bridge I must say....

And these all took 2.5 hours!!!
Must definitely do it all again!!