Been staring at the computer screen for hours in preparation for my exam on Tuesday...that said, I dun think I will ever be 'ready enough' for it....there's too much to know....too much details to memorize....too much new and pre-existing facts to stuff in this puny brain of mine! HELPPPP!!!! ( Lord, I need an extra brain - not kidding about it!)....Lord, I really need Your wisdom for this exam......
Then, there's the issue of the heart...... shared with some close friends and of course my sis about this a while ago.......just got wind of my 'good' friend being asked for a couple of dates (does having coffee together count?!?) by a guy from my cell (whom I was maybe slightly interested?!?)......sigh......why does this always happen to me?!? (the last I had this "bawling my eyes out session" was a couple years back in Uni- and he ended up marrying another ' good' friend of mine!!!!) Lord, how cruel are you to me?!? It's not fair!... and I go on ranting at God for days on end in this vein....only to realise that the main problem was me just fantasising and building castles in the air when nothing was actually happening in reality.....see, the stupidity of mankind! (rather womenkind!).....and how we suffer for our foolishness!!!!
To top that off....everyone gives me that same old, same old CRAP of how 'you have not met the right person yet'..... or worst ' just chill, it happens when you aren't looking'.......and to add salt into the wound, it's always advice given my people who are married... or attached...OUCH!!! I know they mean well and would like to offer some words of comfort......but maybe they might be more helpful not saying anything at all...sometimes, all we need is a listening ear....and a hug...?!?
As if things could not get any worst, this guy whom I know for sure will not be my husband keeps calling and wanting to talk......man, doesn't he get it? How come the guy i wished would call me for coffee doesn't and the one i wished would just disappear keeps bugging me?!? Sigh.......don't get me wrong, I dun hate this chap, it's just frustrating to know that i shudder everytime his name registers on the phone (rather than leap in excitement?!?)......and knowing that every conversation I've had with him revolves around him and him alone..... why does he even want to have a conversation ( he should just have a monologue with himself! and complain to himself....)... The weird things in life that I fail to comprehend......
And my soul....well, it feels as though my spirit man has died....yes, i feel rejuvenated after worship in church...but that's the problem....it ends the minute I step out of church.......and the pressures of the world starts to crowd Him out again....doesn't help that I still feel isolated in this cell group of mine (after being in it for 3 years!!!)....feel as though I am heading nowhere spiritually........know that God is birthing a new thing in my heart- but I dun really comprehend , and neither do I get any help from anyone around me either.......feel so lost without a purpose...a goal.... a plan...... mebbe it's time for another season of prayer and fasting for my life direction and purpose......I dunno........will have to ask God about this.......coz only He has the answer.........
Lord, I dunno what's happening....I only know that I feel like I am in the pit right now with no one around......feel so alone.....feel so isolated ..... unloved..... uncared for....Yet, I know You care...and You love me....and You know me and what my heart's desires are....You hold my future in Your hands....and You want the BEST for my life! But in this life - it helps if i could have what Selwyn Hughes calls - ' Friends with skin on' ...or what Ps. Sue Harvey used to say ' we all need love with skin on'.......Lord, I pray that You will bring these people into my life ....and open my eyes to their roles in my life......Lord, I pray that You will show me what Your plans are for me in this new season of my life.......show me Your purpose and plans.......Help me to be open to Your calling in my life....and to be obedient to whatever the task is at hand.......
Thank You Lord! - I refuse to succumb to the lies of the enemy!!!
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