This has been a very tough weekend...never realised how unhappy I have been in this hospital until yesterday.....guess it all culminated after a horrible 1st ICU call......felt so tired, stupid and useless at the end of the call.....
This was made worst by the nurses attitude to me......and the feeling of depression and the thought that I am such a lousy doc.....maybe I should just quit medicine right now?!? Really felt like walking out of the hospital then and there and just quitting it ........Sigh.....
Then, when a friend called me, I just broke down the following morning....and the sudden realisation that I have been totally miserable since I started working in this hospital 2 months ago........felt so isolated.....so unwanted.....became super anti-social.......sigh......
Anyway....worked up all the strength that I could muster to go to church.....and from the moment I stepped into the sanctuary...with the band playing the song ' All Consuming Fire' in the background....I just couldn't stop myself and wept uncontrollably.......wow! have not shed so much tears since my Uni days....not even the days of my housemanship! Felt a release......felt a sense of ' I am back to where I was with God'.....where I am able to weep freely in front of Him... my BESTEST friend.....one of the pastors came to sit with me....but I guess I was more disappointed that none of my cell members came to pray with me or ask me what happened.....I was much saddened by this fact.......esp the fact that everyone pretended nothing happened and that I was ok........honestly, i din want to go for dinner with them... and when HJ made a comment about calls and what the RT said about the MICU MOs on call.....i just felt a stab in my heart...wanted to shrink away and dig a hole to hide... did he even know what his words meant to me? It just made everything collapse around me...... I really wanted to run away and not suffer a long dinner conversation, which like every conversations we've had - superficial, shallow and fake......
Anyway, by this time I was tired and really upset again....so I just kept quiet and gave my usual polite smile and charity laugh....but truly- is this what we call a Christian community of small groups?!? How miserably we fail!!
Yet, I know in all that God is still in control.....can't think any other way coz He is all I have....my only ONE TRUE FRIEND....who truly knows what I am going through....and the only one who can comfort me and bring peace in my heart......Indeed, there is no one I can trust apart from Him!
Lord, You are my BESTEST friend!!
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