Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul....

Been reading my daily devotional material by Selwyn Hughes (EDWJ) entitled 'Being Real in the Psalms' and was truly truly glad for its contents.....which kinda summarised my life....and all the thoughts and emotions which I have been battling with (at least over the last few years)...... God truly knows what I need in each season and time of my life......
He starts off explaining about the 'uncomfortable' psalms- the psalms that acts as a mirror to our soul....which expresses the full range of human emotions - fear, anger, disappointment, hurt.......feelings that we are often ignorant or or willfully reluctant to face........the feelings that Christians are apt to ignore or repress....just because they are negative....and that they often question God or challenges His place in our lives......
And what is the purpose of these'uncomfortable' psalms??? The psalms that are a 'jarring outpourings in which the psalmists captures the struggle of the heart as it attempts to make sense of the goodness of God in the midst of the troubles of life......and he concludes that the purpose of these psalms are - to invite us to admit whatever we feel, know we are not alone in those feelings and to work through our uncomfortable emotions to a deeper relationship with God...... how these psalms not only teach us to praise and worship, they also teach us how to wrestle with negative feelings until those negative feelings give way to hope....
Then he goes on to expose one by one these negative feelings...beginning with fear......etc etc...and lays open the real reason for these negative feelings.....that reveals inner 'dis-ease'....the suspicion that God is not good.........Oh how true this is!!! And how many times have I struggled with this thought!!!!

Fear says , 'Is God capable of taking care of me?'


Anger says, 'Why does God allow my goals to be blocked?'

Envy says, ' God seems to bless other people more than me.'

Disappointment says, 'Is God fair?'

He says that our feelings may surface in the horizontal context of life- as a result of circumstances, events, situations - but they have a vertical context also: our concept of God.......How true!!!

Quoting Walter Brueggemann - 'The laments are refusals to settle for the way things are; they are acts of relentless hope that believes no situation falls outside of Yahweh's capacity for transformation; no situation falls outside of Yahweh's responsibility,.... It might surprise some to discover that in the darkness of our emotional wrestling with God, we grow in our understanding of Him....but only if we want to grow.....and this lesson, I have indeed learnt the hard way.......tough times, but so valuable in the growth of our souls.......

And then he goes on to talk about righteous vs unrighteous anger........and gives pointers to deal with unrighteous anger (anger that is self centred)...

1) When angry, be still and STOP
2) Next, WAIT
3) DO NOT FRET

And this is based on the scripture in Psalm 37: 1-40 'Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret..'

Then he goes on again to talk about fear and all its permutations...the solution? Focus on God..... Fear of God (being in awe of God) strips away all other fears and compels us to deal with a God who has everything under His control..... Fear clarifies where it is that we place our trust.......

'Fear knocked at the door, faith opened it and lo, there was no one there' .......

If the greatest threats and the things we fear most are matters over which we have no control, how important it is to develop a relationship with the One who is never out of control.... Indeed, this advice is definitely a solid rock to hold on to in times of turbulent times....

After that, he goes on to expose envy. Envy (he says) is malicious grudging- wanting to gain what we do not have. It is born of the deep love of self....and then he quotes Dr. W.E Sangster who wrote - 'To practise comparison with one's fellows is often to be trapped into sin. If we are not as virtuous as they are, we are tempted to imply it is only in appearance and they are possibly hypocrites; if they have tasted more of the sweetness of success than we have done, we often slide into envy.'....This is followed by quoting Psalm 73 as an example....our negative emotion indicate far more than that we are experiencing mental turmoil; they reveal how strongly sin reigns in our hearts......and then he continues to take apart Psalm 73 to analyze how Asaph responded.... how his perspective was changed after being in the presence of God.... and the key to a changed perspective always lie in our understanding......

Then, he goes on to talk about despair...which is defined as : the loss of hope, the refusal to struggle, a deadening of the heart to the idea that one will be helped or rescued..... characteristics of despair includes:
1) A desire NOT to struggle
2) The FLIGHT from desiure
- over the years, he has met many people who were going through life , attending to their daily duties in a mechanical way (sounds like me!), but inside they were dead. They had put to death all desire. To desire, such people say to themselves, mean to be hurt, so they argue that if they don't desire they won't have to endure the pain of disappointed longings.
- however, you CAN know God so intimately that though your desires on a human level are not met and you feel disappointed and hurt, you can live with that hurt without the loss of your soul.
3) Loneliness
- definition of loneliness: Isolation from those who mean so much to us
- Can Christ succour us in loneliness and save us from despair? HE CAN
- No one need be lonely, however separate from others he or she may be, if the lonely moments are used to get closer to God

Steps to dealing with despair:
1) Be willing to acknowledge our feelings
2) Talk to God about it
3) Understand and accept the fact that we live in a sinful world where not all our expectations wil be met, not all relationships succeed and not all hopes are realised

God will not allow His children to live life without desires because it will make them less than human. So He will constantly prod us and challenge us, sometimes by arousing our deepest passion.
- Lord, is that what you are doing with me? To stir my soul?
Indeed I agree with Selwyn....better to be mad than to feel nothing.....

Then he finally touches on shame...which is based on a flawed sense of self...

Lord, teach me to acknowledge my true feelings before you...not to wallow in self pity....but to steep myself in your presence to the point that it changes my perception of those negative feelings.....may those tough times be a time of drawing nearer to you and to throw myself in your arms, knowing that you will NEVER let go of me..... and may you restore that HOPE...... that I so desperately need.....

Random thoughts....

It's only been 2 days since I went back to work after a week long break.......immediately felt black clouds gathering around me.....a sense of dread .....feelings of depression starting to slowly seep in..... it took only 2 days...... sigh...
suddenly felt all kinds of emotions welling up..... fear... anger .... resentment....fatigue...... etc etc....why? I really have no idea....guess it was all those pent up frustrations over the last 3-4 years trying to escape.....
Really really feel like giving up.......really..... even my colleagues are feeling the same way...... it's tough......
I think Mum finally understood.....only in this last trip home....... we had a chat....which ultimately always ends up with the topic of dating/ finding a life partner......being very honest with her....I think she finally sensed my distress....even despair....and the loneliness that sometimes overwhlems......it was with this question: Have u ever considered going back to australia? tt made me realised how long it really took her to understand my predicament......my line of works exerts tremendous stress on me .... physically.... mentally... emotionally ..... even socially, my line of work has impoverished me by diminishing whatever little time and energy i have to socialise and develop meaningful friendships.......and really , its pretty sad when your own family members dun understand at all!!!
then again....who can I blame? I chose to take this path on my own.....stating that I think God called me to this ministry......but these days, i'm seriously beginning to doubt it........maybe i heard wrongly? maybe i was mistaken? .... I really dunno..... maybe, just maybe, its time to head in a different direction.......