Again...have been so deeply impressed by the simple, yet utterly profound insight of Selwyn Hughes on the whole theme of caring and how the church should care that I really must write his thoughts down before I forget in time to come....
In the EDWJ issue of Jan/Feb 2009:
Five ingredients that go into making a community of God's people a model of His love and care:
1) A caring church is excited about the challenge of bringing it's member into maturity
- problems among Christians are God's way of highlighting the need for maturity
- difficulties in a local church should be seen not as an obstacle but as an opportunity
- A problem, after all, is only 'a solution in disguise'
- Is your local church or fellowship plagued by problems?
- Perhaps you need this word today to remind you that there is no growth without pain
- When we take personal responsibility for the upholding of Christ and the development of fellow Christians in our local congregation, we fulfil our responsibility as part of the Body of Christ, our Saviour
2) A caring church is a church whose leaders demonstrate care and concern for each other, thus setting a good example to the flock
- It is the responsibility of leaders in any church to maintain a high standard of holiness for no church can rise higher than its leadership in the quality of its fellowship and caring
- Care is demonstrated by church members spending time together, not just in business meetings but also in relationship-building
3) In a caring church people can share their deep feelings and hurts without fear of rejection
- How difficult this truth can be in real life!!
- In Selwyn Hughes words - " Well, if you have a mist in the pulpit, you are certain to get a fog in the pew! Such preaching have turned a lot of christians into phoneys,"
- If we care for people, we will give them the freedom to tell us how they feel, with no fear of being rejected
4) A caring church is a church with a system of loving support
- Love isn't about sentiment or feeling - its about giving real help to real people
- Problems are anticipated, strategies planned and lasting solutions developed
5) A caring church is a church whose members are willing to lay down their lives for others
- Direct quote from that morning's devotion:
In all my travels I have come across only one church where a commitment is made by every member to place the interests of the other members before their own.I found this church in Pusan, Korea. The atmosphere in that church was the most wonderful experience in over 40 years of ministry. The minister told me that whenever someone joins this church, either through conversion or moving into the community from elsewhere, all the other members gather round the new member and recite together these words:
'We covenant to love you with the love of the Lord Jesus Christ - the love that puts your interests as a priority. Nothing you do will stop us loving you. If your actions dishonour Christ, we will tell you so, but in a spirit of love. We will pray for you daily by name. Anything we have is at your disposal. We will honestly tell you how we feel about the level of your spiritual maturity from time to time. If this means pain for each of us, we will trust our relationship enough to take that risk, realising that in 'speaking the truth in love we grow up in every way into Christ who is the head'. We are committed to you because of what od has designed us to be be in His loving creation.'
- Wow!!! what a commitment!!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The Art of Caring
Every now and then, I am reminded why I love reading the writings of Selwyn Hughes...He is one of the few of the earliest minister who's writing impacted me in my early days as a Christian....especially in the area of the 'caring' ministry.....His insight have proved valuable....and accurate....wished I had known some of these 'pearls' before I embarked on my own caring ministry.....maybe I would have less scars to show for it......
The last issue of EDWJ (Feb 2009) has an excellent issue on how to care - for others and ourselves....I loved the section on pitfalls to avoid.....
1) We need to learn first of all how to be 'LOVE RECEIVERS' - 1 John 4: 7 - 21
I struggled with this issue for the longest of time...because partly, it is easier to give than to receive...because a lot of times, we feel that receiving means that we are the 'weaker' party.....How wrong we can be! However, for me, the biggest struggle was that I hate 'troubling' others with my problems...never knowing if people were willing to listen.....or even stand with me in those times...... I hated to be obligated to others.....But now , I am learning slowly to accept help....to be more thick-skinned in sharing with others....and asking for help....
2) We must never manipulate others - Mark 10: 17-31
Sometimes we forget and then manipulate others into doing what we think they should be doing......
3) We must curb our curiosity - Hebrews 3: 1- 15
This is when we need to draw a line between helping versus our own curiosity about other people's problems ( ie the Gossip Queen within us!)
4) We must avoid caring where care is not needed - 2 Tim 1: 3-14
5) Care for one at a time (disciplined desire) - Proverbs 2:1-10
We need to be aware of our capacity to care...usually that means one person at a time....
6) We need to avoid caring for others to the detriment of our own families - 1 tim 5:1-8
Used to make this mistake...until the Lord showed me that my role in my family is greater, if not equal to my role in church.....and that over the years He has shown me that my role in caring my unbelieving family members probably supercedes the strangers I can help out in the community....
7) We need to learn when to let go - Acts 8; 26-40
How true!!!!
8) We must always make sure that when we care we have spiritual support and back-up - Acts 12: 1-17
How often we forget this! This is of utmost importance for people in the caring ministry......isn't it?!?
Lord, teach me to be a 'CARER' like you did.....one who knew how to minister to others....and to care for ourselves at the same time.......
The last issue of EDWJ (Feb 2009) has an excellent issue on how to care - for others and ourselves....I loved the section on pitfalls to avoid.....
1) We need to learn first of all how to be 'LOVE RECEIVERS' - 1 John 4: 7 - 21
I struggled with this issue for the longest of time...because partly, it is easier to give than to receive...because a lot of times, we feel that receiving means that we are the 'weaker' party.....How wrong we can be! However, for me, the biggest struggle was that I hate 'troubling' others with my problems...never knowing if people were willing to listen.....or even stand with me in those times...... I hated to be obligated to others.....But now , I am learning slowly to accept help....to be more thick-skinned in sharing with others....and asking for help....
2) We must never manipulate others - Mark 10: 17-31
Sometimes we forget and then manipulate others into doing what we think they should be doing......
3) We must curb our curiosity - Hebrews 3: 1- 15
This is when we need to draw a line between helping versus our own curiosity about other people's problems ( ie the Gossip Queen within us!)
4) We must avoid caring where care is not needed - 2 Tim 1: 3-14
5) Care for one at a time (disciplined desire) - Proverbs 2:1-10
We need to be aware of our capacity to care...usually that means one person at a time....
6) We need to avoid caring for others to the detriment of our own families - 1 tim 5:1-8
Used to make this mistake...until the Lord showed me that my role in my family is greater, if not equal to my role in church.....and that over the years He has shown me that my role in caring my unbelieving family members probably supercedes the strangers I can help out in the community....
7) We need to learn when to let go - Acts 8; 26-40
How true!!!!
8) We must always make sure that when we care we have spiritual support and back-up - Acts 12: 1-17
How often we forget this! This is of utmost importance for people in the caring ministry......isn't it?!?
Lord, teach me to be a 'CARER' like you did.....one who knew how to minister to others....and to care for ourselves at the same time.......
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Reminded of His LOVE, reassured of His faithfulness....
Was really really glad that I was able to leave work early on a sunday night (after my night shift on saturday!) and actually be able to make it for church on a sunday morning!!! It's been a while since I have been able to get to church/ even cell group....so it was good to be back in the house of God again , after what seems like a loong time!!!
The speaker today was Ps Sam Farina (who was also my church retreat main speaker this year)....and was very very blessed by his sermon......really needed the reminders that he talked about today...how when the tough times come, our vision gets blurry....yet in the midst of it all we need to remember:
1) He sees us even if we can't see Him..
How true!!! Liked what he said that when we cry, our vision gets blurred...and we can't see clearly...yet, even when we can't see or sense Him, He is always there.....like it says in the Bible - He cares even for a sparrow......How much more valuable are we?!???
2) Believing is seeing...
3) He responds to our obedience
This is like direct contrast to what the world says.....isn't it?!?
Liked the examples he named.....like Moses asked by God to remove his sandals at the burning bush ( and the fact that he was probably surrounded by sheep dung at that time).....or when Naaman was asked to wash at the river....... or the blind man whom Jesus asked what he wanted ( to be healed of his blindness)....
4) He wants to heal our pain, not assign blame....
How true! But how often we forget this, that we always ask who is to blame....Like the when Jesus' disciples asked him about the blind man and who sinned ( him or his parents) causing his blindness.....I love Jesus' reply.... No one sinned, this happened so that the glory of God may be revealed through him....WOW!!! Deep answer loaded with heaps of meaning!!!
At that moment.....my heart was touched....I needed a desperate reminder that God loves me.....and that He wants to reveal His glory and power in my weakness......was also reflecting the fact that God is using my hands to heal people.....lots of time, I questioned whether doing medicine was the right thing for me....I feel ill-equipped mentally, physically and emotionally....din feel that I was doing much for others....however, it was only today that I actually received affirmation that my care for patients and their survival is only possible through His grace...........also realised that my singlehood can also be a way He can reveal His power and glory...I dunno how....I dunno why....but I believe that He cares...and He knows the desires of my heart...and that if I believe and walk with Him, I will see that miracle in my life!!!
The speaker today was Ps Sam Farina (who was also my church retreat main speaker this year)....and was very very blessed by his sermon......really needed the reminders that he talked about today...how when the tough times come, our vision gets blurry....yet in the midst of it all we need to remember:
1) He sees us even if we can't see Him..
How true!!! Liked what he said that when we cry, our vision gets blurred...and we can't see clearly...yet, even when we can't see or sense Him, He is always there.....like it says in the Bible - He cares even for a sparrow......How much more valuable are we?!???
2) Believing is seeing...
3) He responds to our obedience
This is like direct contrast to what the world says.....isn't it?!?
Liked the examples he named.....like Moses asked by God to remove his sandals at the burning bush ( and the fact that he was probably surrounded by sheep dung at that time).....or when Naaman was asked to wash at the river....... or the blind man whom Jesus asked what he wanted ( to be healed of his blindness)....
4) He wants to heal our pain, not assign blame....
How true! But how often we forget this, that we always ask who is to blame....Like the when Jesus' disciples asked him about the blind man and who sinned ( him or his parents) causing his blindness.....I love Jesus' reply.... No one sinned, this happened so that the glory of God may be revealed through him....WOW!!! Deep answer loaded with heaps of meaning!!!
At that moment.....my heart was touched....I needed a desperate reminder that God loves me.....and that He wants to reveal His glory and power in my weakness......was also reflecting the fact that God is using my hands to heal people.....lots of time, I questioned whether doing medicine was the right thing for me....I feel ill-equipped mentally, physically and emotionally....din feel that I was doing much for others....however, it was only today that I actually received affirmation that my care for patients and their survival is only possible through His grace...........also realised that my singlehood can also be a way He can reveal His power and glory...I dunno how....I dunno why....but I believe that He cares...and He knows the desires of my heart...and that if I believe and walk with Him, I will see that miracle in my life!!!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Roller coaster ride....
As usual.....time passes as one gets entrenched in a flurry of activities...
from having to do an extended cardio posting ( no thanks to the H1N1 outbreak).....to changing work place in the middle of the month and having to adjust to hour-long examinations of every new patient....to the lack of efficiency and competence in some 'nurses' (if you could even call them that!).....to missing my nephew's birth....to even simple things like having to endure a 40 min ride to work every day.....it has indeed been a roller-coaster ride of events and emotions.....Not to mention the wedding I had to attend recently....
Have been contemplating this issue called 'love'.....or what is more commonly known as 'romantic love'.....could never understand how a man and a woman can 'love' each other so much to want to spend all their time with each other...much less get married and have kids....yes, I am cynical......but yet at the same time, it is a beautiful and amazing miracle that I have yet to understand.....
Guess, in a way, I will never understand it.....probably explains that fact of why I am still single at this age...tsk, tsk ......I see the heads out there shaking in dismay at my predicament...puzzled as to the fact why I as a woman would not want to be in 'love'....to get married...to have kids...
Don't get me wrong....I would love to fall in love, be swept off my feet, receive flowers and surprises....I would want to get married and have kids.....but I think one also has to be realistic.....that we live in an imperfect world....with fellow human beings who have also fallen from grace.......that we need to be careful as to who we give our hearts and life to....
For me...I can only pray that God will bring the correct person into my life....and that I would recognize him and that we would have the opportunity to develop a beautiful friendship...which could lead to something more.....
For now....I can only sit back and enjoy the roller coaster ride whilst it lasts.....and hopefully not end up to dizzy or nauseous at the end of it.......
from having to do an extended cardio posting ( no thanks to the H1N1 outbreak).....to changing work place in the middle of the month and having to adjust to hour-long examinations of every new patient....to the lack of efficiency and competence in some 'nurses' (if you could even call them that!).....to missing my nephew's birth....to even simple things like having to endure a 40 min ride to work every day.....it has indeed been a roller-coaster ride of events and emotions.....Not to mention the wedding I had to attend recently....
Have been contemplating this issue called 'love'.....or what is more commonly known as 'romantic love'.....could never understand how a man and a woman can 'love' each other so much to want to spend all their time with each other...much less get married and have kids....yes, I am cynical......but yet at the same time, it is a beautiful and amazing miracle that I have yet to understand.....
Guess, in a way, I will never understand it.....probably explains that fact of why I am still single at this age...tsk, tsk ......I see the heads out there shaking in dismay at my predicament...puzzled as to the fact why I as a woman would not want to be in 'love'....to get married...to have kids...
Don't get me wrong....I would love to fall in love, be swept off my feet, receive flowers and surprises....I would want to get married and have kids.....but I think one also has to be realistic.....that we live in an imperfect world....with fellow human beings who have also fallen from grace.......that we need to be careful as to who we give our hearts and life to....
For me...I can only pray that God will bring the correct person into my life....and that I would recognize him and that we would have the opportunity to develop a beautiful friendship...which could lead to something more.....
For now....I can only sit back and enjoy the roller coaster ride whilst it lasts.....and hopefully not end up to dizzy or nauseous at the end of it.......
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Laughable human desires....
Whew!! It's been yet another few months of gruelling mixture of work and exams...hours of busy days at work....plus exam stress....sleep deprivation....and angsty exhanges with ppl at the place i now nicknamed 'The Cesspool'..... unfortunately because of the current 'orange' alert due to the swine flu....am unable to get out of this place on time.....yet on the other hand, fortunately i will be covering another part of this terribly busy department that I currently work in.......
It's been yet another roller coaster ride for me....at least mentally....and more importantly, emotionally....whilst I see others around me moving on to the next stage in life ( ie colleagues going out on dates, friends getting hitched...others getting married.....my own sibling having her 1st child).....made me wonder over and over again the same old questions that used to haunt me (and still do).....why am I stuck in this 'twilight' zone and somehow stuck in 2nd gear all the time? When will I finally meet the 'man of my dreams'...get married....have kids......will it ever happen??? I begin to question God.....and start to doubt His goodness and plans for my life.....i begin to scrutinise myself and put myself down......
Why? Why do I always do this to myself?!?
I dunno....I guess I am just human......
On the other hand, it seems so laughable that one can be so preoccupied with this thought and end up in a downward spiral because of it........kinda brought things to a halt after today's sermon ......pastor has aptly run a series on revelations ....which seems so relevant in view of what's happening in the world - the economy, the swine flu, etc etc....... in view of the possible plagues coming, my problems seems so small and insignificant.....laughable to say the least.....
But what truly struck a chord in me today was this verse - 'I will repay you what the locusts has taken' - joel 2: 25....wow!! most people wouldn't even know where this verse is found much lest quote it ad verbatim......but for me, it is more than a familiar passage from the old testament.....it is a promise.....a promise given to me 7 years ago ....promising me the salvation of not just my nuclear family, but for my whole extended family (and for those who know, it amounts to many many people!!)......Indeed, God is good....and He NEVER forgets his promises to us......He is always faithful to bring His promises to us to pass...albeit in His ways and in His timing........
So I guess....for now, I can leave this issue safely in His hands....and walk away with a chuckle in my heart....knowing that He knows the desires of my heart.....and He will give me an answer in His time......and all I need to do is wait.....and know that He is good....and faithful......
It's been yet another roller coaster ride for me....at least mentally....and more importantly, emotionally....whilst I see others around me moving on to the next stage in life ( ie colleagues going out on dates, friends getting hitched...others getting married.....my own sibling having her 1st child).....made me wonder over and over again the same old questions that used to haunt me (and still do).....why am I stuck in this 'twilight' zone and somehow stuck in 2nd gear all the time? When will I finally meet the 'man of my dreams'...get married....have kids......will it ever happen??? I begin to question God.....and start to doubt His goodness and plans for my life.....i begin to scrutinise myself and put myself down......
Why? Why do I always do this to myself?!?
I dunno....I guess I am just human......
On the other hand, it seems so laughable that one can be so preoccupied with this thought and end up in a downward spiral because of it........kinda brought things to a halt after today's sermon ......pastor has aptly run a series on revelations ....which seems so relevant in view of what's happening in the world - the economy, the swine flu, etc etc....... in view of the possible plagues coming, my problems seems so small and insignificant.....laughable to say the least.....
But what truly struck a chord in me today was this verse - 'I will repay you what the locusts has taken' - joel 2: 25....wow!! most people wouldn't even know where this verse is found much lest quote it ad verbatim......but for me, it is more than a familiar passage from the old testament.....it is a promise.....a promise given to me 7 years ago ....promising me the salvation of not just my nuclear family, but for my whole extended family (and for those who know, it amounts to many many people!!)......Indeed, God is good....and He NEVER forgets his promises to us......He is always faithful to bring His promises to us to pass...albeit in His ways and in His timing........
So I guess....for now, I can leave this issue safely in His hands....and walk away with a chuckle in my heart....knowing that He knows the desires of my heart.....and He will give me an answer in His time......and all I need to do is wait.....and know that He is good....and faithful......
Saturday, April 4, 2009
interesting read....
Dug this out from my email account amidst the scores of junkmail I receive from friends....found this a gem worth keeping.....
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
by Dov Heller, M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a
profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of
a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love
will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship
on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for
20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust â€' i.e. trust that I won't
get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good
and do the right ';. So ask about your significant other: What do they
do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who
are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to
seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as
well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of
mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating;
to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't
do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
notâ€'going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention...
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones dont appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low selfâ€'esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you
won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
replace.
Wished more people would understand this...unfortunately most of my answers to the first few questions are in the negative....guess that kinda sums up my life right now.....and maybe being single at this point is just the right thing for me.....
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
by Dov Heller, M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a
profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of
a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love
will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship
on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for
20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust â€' i.e. trust that I won't
get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good
and do the right ';. So ask about your significant other: What do they
do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who
are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to
seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as
well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of
mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating;
to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't
do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
notâ€'going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention...
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones dont appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low selfâ€'esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you
won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
replace.
Wished more people would understand this...unfortunately most of my answers to the first few questions are in the negative....guess that kinda sums up my life right now.....and maybe being single at this point is just the right thing for me.....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Give thanks, with a grateful heart.....
Been more and more acutely aware of hwo ungrateful I have been....complaining about work every single day.....and to top it off, resenting everything that went/ is wrong in my life.....
The message by Ps David Lim on saturday was what I needed to hear.....a good dose of fear and awe after reading the passage from Revelations 8 - 11.....i guess when u read abt the end times, every difficult circumstances seem pale in comparison.....right?
So....thought I would come of a list of things to be grateful for....
1) I have a job...that pays for the bills...
2) I have a place to live... now...and also the provision of a new home (downstairs!!)...
3) I have a wonderful family - mum and dad and siblings...
4) I know Jesus and am assured of my position in Christ...
5) I have the word of God with me...
6) I have nice colleagues and seniors (well, most of the time lar)
7) I am healthy and can walk....
8) I have friends....
Oklar....need to think abt this a bit more....
GTG now..
The message by Ps David Lim on saturday was what I needed to hear.....a good dose of fear and awe after reading the passage from Revelations 8 - 11.....i guess when u read abt the end times, every difficult circumstances seem pale in comparison.....right?
So....thought I would come of a list of things to be grateful for....
1) I have a job...that pays for the bills...
2) I have a place to live... now...and also the provision of a new home (downstairs!!)...
3) I have a wonderful family - mum and dad and siblings...
4) I know Jesus and am assured of my position in Christ...
5) I have the word of God with me...
6) I have nice colleagues and seniors (well, most of the time lar)
7) I am healthy and can walk....
8) I have friends....
Oklar....need to think abt this a bit more....
GTG now..
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