Internal Struggles

2020 started tough - with the COVID-19 pandemic.
As we struggle through, I had to deal with more issues ( internally) with my family.
As I turned to my only comfort - Christian songs, I came upon this in my playlist ( obviously put there by me in some forgotten time) which spoke volumes to my heart and soul:

Blessings - by Laura Story:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Laura Story
Blessings lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music Inc

The story behind this lady - husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour and she prayed for healing, which didn't came in the way that she hoped.

Gives me lots of comfort in times like this.
I don't know if anyone can understand what I am going through, but I am sure I am never alone. Never will He forsake me.
Amen..

Day 4: The 4 focuses of History Makers

Wow, this is getting hard. Waking up consistently at 5 AM everyday is tough when one has a 2.5 year old co-sleeping. But I will try to persevere.


The 4 focuses of history makers:
1) Capitalisation IQ

2) Freedom from distraction

3) Personal mastery practice

4) Day stacking


Its interesting that the writer uses the exact same words I used many years ago - History Makers. I've forgotten this motto for so long that when I read this, I realised how lost I have been.

" The beginning of transformation is the increase of perception. As you see more you can materialise more. And once you know better you can achieve bigger. The great men and women of the world - the ones responsible for the magical symphonies, the beautiful moments, the advancements of science and the progress of technology - started by reengineering their thinking and reinventing their awareness. In so doing, they entered a secret universe that the majority could not perceive. And this, in turn, allowed them to make the daily choices few choose to make. Which, automatically delivered the daily results few get to experience."

Read a book recently by Dr Rana Awdish - wonderful read. It really should be read by everyone before entering or whilst they are in medical school. Deep insights when one becomes a patient. Cried bucketloads at every dramatic time point that occurred- tragedy after tragedy. Its amazing how resilient our bodies actually are. But what's more amazing is the strength of our minds and the drive of our emotions to help the body survive, despite all odds. Take home message from this - Never Give Up.

Day 3 - The 5 AM Club

After missing 2 days of waking up at 5 AM, managed to get back to it again today. Needed that energy boost in the morning. Also, my lower back pain started again so I think its important I do something to prevent that from happening.

To share more gems from the book:
The 4 Interior Empires:
E1: Mindset ( Psychology)
E2: Heartset (Emotionality)
E3: Healthset ( Physicality)
E4: Soulset ( Spirituality)

"Your influence in the world mirrors the glory, nobility, vitality and luminosity you've accessed in yourself. Very few people in this time of superficiality and human creatures behaving like artificial machines remember this essential life truth. External always expresses internal, without always reflect within."

So simple, yet so profound.

Brings an old song to mind which I've been listening to.

I Am by Nicole Nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
You watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Super Hero
Come if you can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 p.m.
You saw my mistakes.
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I' d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is two a.m.
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel you nearer
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

Day 2: The 20/20/20 Formula

So, I managed to wake up at 5 AM again. ( Ok, probably 5 minutes late).
Wanted to talk about what was proposed that we do during the time that we wake up at 5AM.

1st 20 minutes: Exercise to get your metabolism going. You must sweat.

next 20 minutes: Reflect. Journal. ( Wow! was already doing this wayyyy back in Uni!)

Final 20 minutes: Read. Grow.

Really not rocket science. But one needs to be disciplined to keep waking up at 5AM ( at least 66 days) for this to be a habit.

Was listening to this ( instead of reading just because I don't want to wake Baby E up) and I know that God is starting a healing process in me.

Lyrics for Instruments of Your Peace (Prayer) by Don Moen

That's our prayer Lord, make us the instruments of your peace
Forgive us for showing hatred when we should have reached held in love
Forgive us for judging when we are the ones
Who deserved to be judged

Now with your help we extend
forgiveness to all who have sinned against us
Deliberately or unknowingly and asked that you begin to heal us
Renew us realign us with your will and your way
To make a way where there seems to be no way


Prayer of Saint Francis ( although apparently this was anonymous)

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offense, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardoning that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised to eternal life.

Lord, forgive me so that I can forgive others. Amen.

Day 1 (The 5 AM club)

Yes! Managed to wake up by 5AM today and did some exercise. I will start small and increase the duration each day.

Reflection for today ( taken from Robin Sharma's book of the same title above):

Those who feel more than most people sometimes believe they have been cursed. In fact, they have been granted a gift , one that allows them to sense what others miss, experience the delights that most neglect and notice the majesty in ordinary moments. Yes, such people get hurt more easily, yet they are also the ones who create great symphonies, architect dazzling buildings and find cures for the sick. Tolstoy once noted that 'only people who are capable of loving strongly can suffer great sorrow' while the great Sufi poet Rumi wrote, 'You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens'.


This spoke volumes to me since this was exactly how I felt about my life. Many days in Melbourne, I felt like I was cursed and now I finally see it in a different light. More recently, a colleague said to me: 'Don't care so much. That's why you feel upset about this situation at work.' In a way he was right about the why. But he got the conclusion so very wrong.

This is who I am: A carer. I cannot just walk away and don't give two hoots about a situation that I care about. I cannot say I don't care what happens to the people I lead. I just can't. It is not me.

When you distill it down to the core of the issue: I care because I am passionate about the work that I do.

And that my friend, is how one becomes a History-Maker.

2019: A year of miracles and new beginnings!

2018 came and went. Didn't know where all the time went. At the end of the year, I felt drained, frustrated and tired all the time. It wasn't all bad though.

Baby E has grown up to be the cutest girl I know ( of course, I am biased!). She is full of energy and life. Se is also very funny at times and comical at other times. She makes us do silly things but most of all, she makes me laugh with joy! Can't imagine what life would be without her. She's now more vocal and asking: 'Hey, what's that sound? Mama, what's that?'. All the time. Seeing her play with her cousins brings me such happiness but also at times some regret - that we don't live closer to our relatives so she could play with them everyday.

On the downside, work has been a complete bummer. Since moving on to be the clinical lead at another institution, I have just faced frustrations after frustrations. Well, no one said being a pioneer was easy, I guess. I think I was just more disappointed with my superiors who didn't care about what I did nor seem interested to grow the work where I am. Dissecting the situation to find out the root cause of my unhappiness, I guess it boils down to these few things:
a) Overworked
b) Lack of demonstration of leadership by my bosses ( i.e no overall planning of divisional expansion given that changes are inevitable in our field)
c) Superficiality ( the fact that my superiors pay 'lip service' to me only but do not deliver any practical help to my situation at work)
d) Unappreciated - need I say more?
e) Depression - it's hard not to end up depressed if you are overworked, suffer a working mother's guilt everyday, lack of exercise and being disconnected to God.

My saving grace in life would be my husband. He never fails to encourage me to do more and better myself. He never fails to remind me that all these work that we do is temporary and we should aim to do real work that matters. He never fails to plan holidays all year round because he recognised that I needed the break and time away from a toxic working environment. Thank God I have him!

Then, I chanced upon a self help book at my brother in law's home during our recent trip there.




That book has been totally life changing!
More on this in my next post.

What a difference a 7 year hiatus has made in my life!

Just decided to have a look at my blog after 7 years. So many things have changed! Too many things to write about which has happened during that time. A short summary should suffice:
2011 - Got engaged to Mr X ( yes, on my birthday!)
2012 - A very difficult and emotionally labile time as Mr X was away for quite a whilst.
2013 - 6/12/2013 was our ROM date.
2014 - 4/10/2014 was our wedding ceremony which was held at Rohrbacher Shclosschen at Heidelberg. Had a fantastic wedding planner ( Britta Kees). Thoroughly enjoyed myself that day and the photos were wonderful.
2015 - Finally completed all my pathology exams! Yay! - November 2015 - the day we found out that a new member was joining the family! Sweet!
2016 - 25/6/2016 ( The faithful day that we welcomed Baby E into our lives)! What a year! Truly a year of new beginnings!
2017 - Year of Jubilee + perpetual tiredness! Yes, Baby E has greatly enriched our lives - even when fatigue sets in. So amazing how fast babies grow. In a blink of an eye, she turns 1! Am eternally grateful to God for watching over my family and I. - Career wise - things were going smoothly. Received my promotion which was great. However, with a promotion it also means more work and responsibilities and less time with Baby E. Juggling work and family was tough at times. Working mother's guilt used to surface every now and then. In all circumstances, God has always been good to me and sending friends at a timely fashion.
2018 - The year has just started and I am sure there will be many more good things in store. This will be a Year of Grace and Thanksgiving. Need to keep reminding myself to be less negative and critical and to be more optimistic and encouraging.